Playing Smart

When I was about 12 years old, I wrongly, but subconsciously, believed it was socially advantageous to minimize my intellectual capacities. This led to abhorrent behavior that drifted away along with adolescence. Yet, a part of me has retained this damaging belief about myself and the world: that it is somehow better to be less than I truly am and that it serves the world to downplay my unique abilities. While this makes little intellectual sense, this myth has manifested itself in my daily interactions with others, primarily in work situations (which ironically is how I spend most of my time). With some space and reflection, I realize that I have dumbed and numbed myself down so much, little by little, in order to survive that I feel as though a big part of me has died. It has become a bad habit as well as a negative way of being in the world.

For the past five months, detached from official external organizational affiliations, I have allowed my true self to start emerging. I have felt overwhelmingly isolated, rejected, and misunderstood. Yet, I also realize that this resistance is an important part of my growth. From now on, I’m playing smart (hence the new Fruition Coalition mottoes Wisdom is Bliss and Radiate Brilliance) regardless of the outcome. I am going to enjoy the process of being me.

2 thoughts on “Playing Smart

  1. Quai Franklin says:

    Thank you for writing this. It seems what you’re going through is similar to what I’m going through these days. I’d had a similar revelation last year about how I’d dumbed myself down in order to fit in better socially, like you, ever since I was in school. And then realized over time that the Creator (however your spiritual path envisions that) would not have given me the personality I have and the gifts I have so that I could hide them.

    From that point I had a renewed sense of artistic purpose and began a new creative phase in my life. But the old patterns still have their influence in my mind. I can write what I think are interesting blog posts, creative songs and stories, but get very little reaction to them, which can be discouraging. So it becomes tempting once again for me to ask myself “How can I be more popular?” My guiding principle is to stop myself from going down that road and instead be true to myself and believe that when I’m fully expressing exactly who I am, the right audience/people will be drawn into my life.

    Having discovered this blog is supporting that principle. It’s lonely sometimes, but we need to stay true to ourselves and trust our Selves. And along the way let’s encourage each other.

  2. jrdreistadt says:

    I am in a very similar place, thanks for sharing your story! I also appreciate your blog(s) and am grateful for your work. It is so encouraging just to know that there are others on this path.

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